Okay… here we go.
I haven’t written about my personal life in what feels like forever… and for good reason. I didn’t feel ready to share about what was going on. I wasn’t quite prepared to put myself out there and experience the very large possibility of being judged by my peers, ridiculed or misunderstood for the madness my life has been over the last few months.
I realize now that’s silly, and no matter what I’ll ALWAYS be misunderstood by some. I’ll also ALWAYS be fully understood by some, too. It’s an equally fulfilling learning experience from both sides, and I’m now ready to take it all on.
Let me start off by saying that I have been exposed to Kali now more-so than I ever have in my entire existence. In the past I have overcome some pretty heavy shit. (Excuse my french.) I’ve endured some of the darkest places I’ve ever seen, self-inflicted and not, and have definitely experienced my own profound transformation over time.
Yet, I have never experienced KALI in this way. I have never felt like every single part of my life was being pulled apart into a million little pieces, a million little threads… only to be reborn again into a brand new masterpiece. Every part of that old piece of art is no longer present. The colors are all a different shade, the patterns have all shape-shifted, the entire piece seems LIGHTER, even with all of the destruction it just endured.
Kali is known as the Goddess of Destruction, Darkness, and Death. In art she is often seen as a fierce, wild-haired, blood-thirsty warrior. Holding a severed head, swords, and stepping over her consort, Shiva. In short Kali is the destroyer of evil forces, the darkness before the light, and Goddess of transformation and rebirth…
If you would like to learn more about Kali and what she represents… Check out this video.
Now, to get to the hard part. Darkness and destruction.
These past few months have been a devastating time. This past year, really. I spent many hours crying on my mat, desperate for a way out, seeking out guidance anywhere I could find it. I prayed. I wrote. I moved. I prayed some more. I begged for an answer to come and hit me in the face. I begged for the universe to tell me what to do.
Something inside of me was shifting, and it had been shifting for a really long time. Years. Yet now… I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there anymore.
What was wrong with me? I had everything most people could possibly want. The pretty wedding, the caring in-laws, the hard-working husband, the secured future. Yet, it all felt so wrong in my shoes. It all felt so… empty. I felt so guilty for feeling this way. I felt so guilty for wanting to be happy at the expense of another persons heart. I know all of this is SO wrong, and I recognize this now. But at the time, I was consumed by it.
I was uncovering some deep dark truths about myself and I had to own up to them. I had to face the reality that had become my life, and the fact that I was miserable inside of it. Here I was, sharing consciousness, love, awareness, unity… and I felt the farthest from connected.
The darkness crept its way in on a regular basis, but I got really good at distracting myself from it. I would work longer hours, practice more, and spend the majority of my time with a book or journal in hand. Reading and writing about everything else under the sun except the GIANT elephant in the room.
I was miserable.
Not only was I miserable, but every person involved was. It was so obvious. So apparent. Yet… it was so hard to face. Until one day, it blew up in our faces.
This is where the destruction comes in.
Kali swooped her way into my heart, and tore apart everything I had ever known. She took pieces of me that I thought would be in my life forever, and shred them right in front of my face.
The life I had built over the last five years suddenly no longer existed, and dust slowly took the place of memories. Boxes slowly took the place of furniture. Indentations in the carpets, tiny holes in the walls. Suddenly everything I had ever known was slowly disintegrating before my eyes, and all I could do was watch. All I could do was hold myself together and latch on to the one thing I KNEW was right… my heart.
That old piece of art held so much repressed energy. The lines, the colors, the shapes… Each held a ghost. I couldn’t look at it without seeing them, and I was haunted by it, every moment of my life.
Now that old piece of art is destroyed, a brand new masterpiece has taken its place… and I don’t feel the ghosts anymore. I’m still learning how to make new shapes and create new lines. I’m still learning how to experience this big beautiful piece of art all by myself. Yet, I recognize this is all a part of rebirth. This is all a part of renewal.
This is all a part of transformation.